My Testimony — Part 2 —
[The information from parts of my testimony have been gathered from journals and writings I had kept from years ago. Some things are vague to me, but I will tell them the best way I know and remember. For the sake of easier writing and reading I have decided to condense as much as possible.]
“I have yet to understand the misinterpretation of life, because I have misunderstood the interpretation of death.” -Hippie- January 1976
“The wicked, through the pride of his countenance will not seek after God: God is not in his thoughts. -Psalms 10:4-
Feeling as if God did not love or care about me, I had thoughts of suicide. How to do it? The only way I could see was either through over-dosing or cutting my wrists. I entertained those thoughts, yet, still fearful of my baby sister growing up without a big sister. Not that I saw myself as such a great big sister — because I was not — but perhaps, it would be better to have me than none at all. But the voices still were there to always remind me of how bad a sister I was. Still, I could not flee the obsession of death that was rooted in me.
Voices in my head told me, “God doesn’t care about you, but I do. I can give you power beyond anything you can imagine. Trust me. I will protect you.” Believing I had some little secret from the whole wide world, I began to entertain that thought of being invincible having all kinds of power.
February 8th, 1976
And this is the condemnation, that the light has come into the world, and men loved darkness rather than light, because their deeds were evil. — John 3:19 —
By this time, I had come to the conclusion that the power within me was demonic. It had to be. If God was a God of love — and I believed He was — then He was nowhere around me. I saw myself dark and vile. Compared to what I believed was a perfect God, I looked pretty rotten.
I planned to give my soul to Satan on February 13, 1976. This simple decision seemed to bring a type of peace. A calm came over me for the next few days leading up to the 13th. I told no one about my plans.
[I will say here, I was not part of some coven, did not know others who were into the occult except for one friend. I will call her Ruby. I was teaching her things I knew and together we would practice witchcraft. I did not even tell her what I was planning.]
As the days started passing by and the day approached, I began to feel a little uneasy. For some reason there was an apprehension and I asked myself, what if something goes wrong? A voice was there to reassure me, “Nothing can go wrong. Trust me.”
The closer I got to the day, I began feeling a distaste and almost a hatred towards anyone who may have been skeptical of my powers. My powers being everything I had been learning in the occult. I foolishly believed I knew what everyone around me was thinking about me. (Which always were negative thoughts, never anything positive or edifying.) This kind of thinking made me pull away even more from people and made me more suspicious. Another power I enjoyed was being able to instill fear in others in one way or another. Either by jumping out of a closet and scaring them half to death or telling some recent creepy experience and watching the expression on their face. These things were wicked. Even though I knew they weren’t exactly holy, I refused to believe they were evil. After all, it was all in fun.
I began to believe people were thinking I was becoming insane and I too, wondered it myself. But, I would hear from within myself things like this, “I am far more advanced than any of you. I am on my way to a higher form of consciousness. You can stay in the boring plane you are on but I am moving on. I am on my way of receiving power none of you have a clue about. No one will stop me or get in my way. The day will come where you people will not mess with me. You will understand and know I mean business. I will show all of you.”
An evil force or forces (and I do not say that lightly) began to take control of my every thought. It began to consume me causing me to hate others, ridiculing their innocence, feeling such coldness, mocking them secretly in the darkness of my heart. They (meaning the spirits/demons) especially turned me against Audrey. There were times when I felt hate towards her and did not know why. A battle would be raging in me to think good thoughts but they were nowhere to be found. There were times when the spirits/demons would cause me to be terribly afraid of her. Once again I tried to find good thoughts. But they were as allusive as trying to catch a moonbeam in my hand.
Alone at night with nothing but the morbid thoughts in my head, the voices would come to me with thoughts like this: “Stay with me and together you and I can conquer those who never believed in you–I want you for my own–You have a lot to offer because you are so special–God does not love you but I do–Listen to me–I am the truth–you have no real friend but me–they hate you–they think you are weird–show them you mean business.”
Other times they were not so friendly. They said things like –you are a real *itch!–people hate you!–you are a (blanking) weirdo–no wonder people do not like you!–look at you, you are pathetic!–no wonder God does not love you!– who do you think you are?–You are nothing special–you are never going to heaven!–you are on your way to hell!–haha!–something is going to get you!– don’t sleep without the lights on!–You must not listen to people–Audrey is not your friend!–no one is your friend!–Randy really does not love you–don’t answer the phone, it is someone you can not trust!–don’t go anywhere today or something bad will happen!”
I no longer tried to make sense of the voices. I no longer tried to argue with them. I was out numbered. I let them take over. It seemed to bring a sense of peace by letting them have their way. The confusion, in some strange way was being lifted. I knew I had reached an end of something and my only recourse was to go ahead with my plan for the 13th of February in hopes of some kind of relief.
Audrey and her boyfriend came over on February 8th to visit. My boyfriend was also there. The three of them were chatting among themselves. I wanted to include myself, but the forces within me, would not let me. I could literally see a thin glass like wall between me and them. They on one side and I on the other. I felt like a stone, a dead thing. Instead of being able to communicate with my friends, I could only sit and watch. Watching their mouths move but not hearing a word they said. The voices in me were the only words I could hear as far as actual words were concerned. Telling me things like — make them leave. They aren’t your friends. They are laughing at you, etc.
At some point, I noticed my friend Audrey looked sad. I almost felt something akin to empathy for her. But, a rage began to rise up in me. One of total hate and disgust. I gave over to the bad thoughts/feelings and shut down further. I could hear laughter in me mocking her for her weakness of caring for me. She and her boyfriend got up from the sofa, she looked at me sadly, saying words I did not hear and then slowly walked out the door. My boyfriend followed them, slamming the door behind him as he walked out. I saw the door slam over and over by itself. I am not saying it actually did, it is just what I saw.
That is when all hell broke lose. No sooner had they left, when I began to hear music come from the walls. It was not good music, it was a funeral dirge of some kind. I fell on the floor believing devils were coming for me. I began to laugh and cry. I was going completely mad. Immediatedly the voices started saying things like this: “Look at yourself! You are so pathetic! You made your friend sad! Randy walked out on you! You don’t love others and they don’t love you! Go ahead, kill yourself! You would be doing everybody a favor if you did!”
I went into the bathroom to get a razor. When I glanced in the mirror I saw hopelessness, terror, torment, darkness in my eyes. I took the razor and went into the kitchen to cut my wrists. Sat down in a chair, got ready to slice when the razor changed into a flat silvery entity or something. It begin to wiggle as if it had a life of it’s own. I dropped it, picked up a glass on the table and threw it against the baseboard. I saw the glass shatter over and over, like the door a few minutes before.
I knew I was going to a place of no return in my mind. Alone, terrified. I did not know how to stop this madness, this demonic activity taking part in my mind. There was no light, not one glimmer — only darkness. I knew also that if I were to die that instant, I was going to hell.
Then a voice spoke to me. One who I was not familiar with. He said, “Call Daniele.” Daniele was an old hippie friend who I had gone to school with. We were not close friends, I barely knew her and had not seen or heard from her since high school. But I did what the voice said. I called her about 12:30 a.m. Her mother answered the phone and told me she did not live there anymore, but gave me the number where she could be reached.
As I was dialing the phone, the voices came to me telling me things like: “Hang up! Do you have any idea what time it is? She’s gonna think you’re crazy. Hahaha! What do you think she can do for you?! She’s going to laugh at you! How stupid you are!” etc, etc, etc.
But I did get hold of her. The first thing I asked her was what sign was she born under. She told me, “Brenda, I’m not in the Occult anymore. I’m under the sign of the Cross.” This seemed to enrage the voices: “She’s a nut! Hang up! She’s not your friend!” I tried hanging up, my arm going up a number of times, but I just could not or would not. I don’t know which.
Daniele put her friend on the phone. Her friend began asking me questions on how deep I was in Witchcraft. I told her. I also told her I had great power and that I was going to sell my soul to Satan. Why on earth I told her that, I did not know. It just came out of my mouth. She puts her husband — Jeff — on the phone and he begins to tell me how holy God is. And how my practice of the dark things were an an abomination in His sight. Jeff was not harsh or unkind, but neither did he sugar coat the truth with me. He began to read words. Words I had never heard or read. The voices got extremely upset demanding I hang up now.
I reached up to hang up, but once again, I did not. I heard a still calm voice speak to me. This Voice said: “No, do not hang up. You are about to find the truth.”
Therefore if the Son makes you free, you shall be free indeed. — John8:36 — (Jesus)
Jeff was reading Scripture to me. He read me the parts about witchcraft. He read to me of hell. He read things about light. He read me the parts about Jesus dying for my sins and how He rose from the dead conquering Satan. About the blood that cleanses me from all my filth and darkness. Everytime he read a passage, a little light went off in me. I hate to say it because today there are so many false signs and wonders out there, that the mere mention of anything like that, would cause people to question, and rightly so. Still, all I can say is, I know what happened to me. The particular scripture that brought light to my darkness: Jesus said, “I am the Way, the TRUTH and the life.” Oh my gosh, when I heard those words! I began to see! To really see and understand! The darkness was fleeing with every little ball of light! When Jeff asked me if I wanted to be born-again, forsaking all, I cried out without hesitation, with the greatest desire I ever had, “Yes! Jesus save my soul! Take away this darkness! I want to follow You!” What happened next was not of this world. No other way to say it than that. But, all those little lights of truth that were coming into my soul with the Word of God, all of a sudden like exploded into one big ball of light inside of me. The words shouting in my soul were: “I have found the truth! Jesus is the truth! He is the way! He is the life! Thank You Jesus for showing me, for having mercy on me! Thank you!” My body slid down the wall and I was one big crying mess. But it was tears of joy! Joy that I knew right then and there that I had been set free from lying devils that had tormented me for years.
All was silent in my mind. The voices were gone. The torment — gone. The darkness that had engulfed my being for years — gone. No power on earth could do such a thing. Jesus did this for me.
Jeff went on to tell me that I had been born into the family of God and that now I had sisters and brothers! He put the two sisters on the phone and they were rejoicing that I had been set free. They told me the next step was to get rid of all my occult supplies. I told them ok, come and get them! I had no desire to cling to any of it. They would come within the next few days to collect the books, the ouija board, the tarot cards, everything I had collected over the years. And I could not wait.
Later, I would learn that these people who led me to the truth, were a cult.
Still, I can not and will not deny what happened to me that night. I had truly been born-again.