Fire Breathing Dragon


Behold, You desire truth in the inward parts,
And in the hidden part You will make me to know wisdom. — Psalm 51:6 —

It’s been months since my last writing. Not sure I can find the words to describe what has been going on with me since my brother passed away.

Some things have become more important and other things, less important. Family, being my top priority. Less important, politics of the world (though I can still get pretty riled up every now and then) and the ongoing apostasy within the Church.

For six years I have ran this blog exposing the manipulating man pleasing sugar coated occultic garbage coming out of the Church. I’m tired. Just as I have come to the conclusion that I have reached my zenith in playing guitar, never getting any better, so it is with other things I have given up on.

Perhaps, I am just a quitter or maybe it is God trying to lead me in a different direction. I don’t know.

I am finding the things I once had passion for, no longer interest me as much. My passion has became a curse. I am to blame. I could not control it. It became sin. Perhaps it was from the very beginning. God knows.

I knew this day would come. The day when all my resources would get burned out, literally burned out. At times I felt like a fire breathing dragon out of control. Anger raging in me such a way that felt more like something from the pit of hell, than a righteous anger of God.

Many of you came here, trying to show me, trying to reason with me. I saw it as weakness on your part. You were right, I was wrong.

More than once, I would wake up in the middle of the night so sickened of feeling like a complete failure to God, that I would go to the computer, sign on, come to this blog disgusted, wanting to delete it out of existence. But like everything else which touched my life, no peace about it. So I remained stagnant.

Perhaps I still am. God knows whether any good thing will come out of me or not.

In the meantime, just wanted the reader to know, I still appreciate those of you who pop in every now and then. I’m wanting to come back.

I want the dragon to die.





Speaking death to those who are dying

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My brother and I spent a lot of time together the past few months of his life.  He had decided to move closer to us and our other brother and sister. He was in the process of moving into his little house and fixing it up the last few weeks of his life. He would call on his way home from work, knowing I would invite him over for dinner. He loved being with family. Even more so, the past few years of his life.

When he would come over, we would talk about everything, even politics on which we were in agreement. Yet, he never let it get to him like I did.

I had  gotten back spasms a couple of days and the pain was terrible. That kind of pain makes me have to be completely still, with nothing at all irritating me, or it gets worse. One night he had come over, I had spent the night before with the spasms. He asked how I was doing and I told him I happened to hear the word “obama” come out of my husband’s mouth the night before as I had been laying in bed with the pain gone for a few minutes. Heard that word and immediately, the spasms hit. I had told my husband through gritted teeth, “I don’t want to hear anything about that man. Don’t even mention his name to me right now.” My husband did what any decent husband would do: Looking bewildered, he sheepishly left the room on tip toe. My husband is a true saint.

When I told my brother this over a bowl of chili, he affectionately told me, “Brenda, you got some anger issues.” My husband nodding his head “yes” in agreement with him. I agreed with them.

One thing I admired in my brother is how calm, cool and collected he could be. Not always, as he had his moments like anyone else. But, he had a logic about him, that transcended my passionate being that could explode in outbursts of anger. One of the things I questioned over the years, was why God chose me to be the oldest child among my siblings. It always seemed Ricky would have been better at it, and oddly though, I still for the most part saw him as the oldest.

That night, had I known what lay in store for him and the rest of us,within a matter of two days, my conversation would have been different. I would not have been discussing things I have no control over, things that have enraged me in the past five years, things of little to no eternal value.

We look at a new born baby and we see such life, precious life. Still, that life as new as it is, begins to die the very moment the umbilical cord is cut. It no longer has anything sustaining it, like it once had in the mother’s womb.

Had I known my brother was reaching the end of his life, my words would have been much different. That has been my biggest regret leading up to his death. I would have mentioned more of  the things of God. Even though, we had spent considerable time over the past couple years talking about the things of God, still, my words would have been cautiously chosen the last few weeks of his life.

Instead, I ranted and raged about the things that made me angry. However, I am thankful that just as I knew my brother and his little idiocentricities, he knew mine and we outgrew any teasing over the years, and somehow began to see them for what they are, loving one another in spite of them. Which caused a deeper appreciation and respect for one another. Not everybody gets to have this chance.

People are dying all around us, whether we/they know it or not. Our bodies began to die the moment we take our first breath. The aging process will affect us all in one way or the other, sooner or later. Don’t believe me? Go take a look in the mirror and tell me if you look the same as you did 10 years ago, 20 years, 30, etc. I don’t know about you, but I look nothing like I did 26 years ago on my wedding day. False teachers can “claim” all they want about never getting sick, but the day will call upon them too, when their own bodies start showing signs of aging, of dying.

What to do? I suppose one place to start is here, which I am trying my best to be mindful of every day with the exception of one of my responses I gave to someone who passed through here esteeming obama — oh well, Rome was not built in a day and neither will I:

Starting where? With my mouth. Anyone who knows me, knows I don’t pussy foot around issues and have little patience with those with opposing views. Simple fact is, and I speak bluntly, if your opinion does not line up with mine, do not expect me to respect it. I will not. To do so, would be esteeming it as high as my own. I will not do that, and if others disagree with me, I expect the same in return. However, respect you? Yes, that I will, unless someone gives me a reason not to.

I am letting all the readers know, that my desire is to speak life, to encourage, to edify, to build up. It is one thing to point out false teaching. A lot of us can do that. But to actually lift up one who is sick and dying, to speak peace and comfort to broken hearts, to speak truth in such a way that it sets captives free, to make love the greatest gift a reality, that is another thing. A new challenge for me. A new calling. This my friends, is my greatest desire.

No doubt, I may slip up every now and then, because as I say, this is a brand new thing for me. But, perhaps it is not a new thing to God. Maybe, just maybe, this is what He had planned all along.


Making Log Cabins




This is what I like to do. Create things.

Part 3: Christians and the Mentally ill

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This is for anyone who wants help with any kind of mental malady. I don’t claim this to be some kind of cure-all, merely it is things that may or may not help, depending upon the individual and their situation. It is not written through the eyes of some type of harsh judgment. It is written mainly from my personal experience. So feel free to either receive or not the words I speak. If something does not feel right to you, then by all means disregard it.

To the one who is afflicted: If right now, at this moment, you are able to read this and focus, then I am going to assume you are having a good day. It is with that intent, I speak to you.

There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love. — 1 John 4:18 —

There can be a lot of fear with the Schizophrenic. It takes a certain kind of faith to trust God when paranoia and other voices take over. You may not be able to see it, but a lot of times, the person suffering through this, is doing their very best to trust God. Just because you can’t see it, does not mean they aren’t.

I do not believe faith is always the absence of fear. If as a parent, you see your child run out into the street, your first reaction is one of anxiety or fear. That fear causes you to jump up and run to pull them from harm’s way. You are not going to sit there and flippantly say, the Lord be praised, I trust Him. If you do, then you are an idiot and need to have your children taken away from you. Faith is being able to put one step in front of the other, in spite of fear.

1.  Be honest with yourself. Don’t try and pretend to be something you aren’t. Not even for the sake of others. It will just bring more confusion. Example: When my mother was sick, I was on the verge of being a basket case. Someone told me I had to be strong. What does that mean? Not showing emotion? Somehow developing some kind of superhuman strength, when in reality I had none?  There is nothing wrong with being weak in an area. You do not have to prove anything to anybody.

2.  Do not allow your affliction to become an excuse for something, when down deep you may know differently. Example, I once was talking to someone diagnosed with Borderline Personality. She was more or less told through counseling because of her affliction, she could expect to make up long tall tales that were not true. And she did. Tales that were outrageous which caused her to act upon them. It was a light matter to her until she opened up one day and told me. I simply called it lying and we went on from there. She is now free from that “diagnosis.”

3.  Try to remember through your bad days, through the mood swings, through the voices, that this too shall pass — even though it does not feel like it at the moment.

4.  Do not worry about what others think of you. Your real friends will be patient and not judge you in your weakness and times of confusion. Those are the ones you want to hang on to and trust. All others aren’t worth having in your life. You will find they will just find ways to bring you down.

5.  Find a hobby, something you can enjoy doing.

6.  Do not expect others to full fill your time or emotional needs. See number 5.

7.  If you are on meds, do not let anyone tell you, you should come off of them. That includes faith healers, preachers, etc. That is between you and God. If there comes a time when you think you may want to give it a go and or sense God wants you off the meds, He will not only show you, but He will pave the way.

8.  Do not allow yourself to come under any kind of condemnation by comparing yourself with others. So what if others are able to do something you can’t do at the moment? Big deal. I would almost bet, there is something you can do that they can’t.

9.  Do not entrust yourself in the hands of others who only want to see you as a feather in their cap, just so they can fix you. These people are more concerned about how they look and at being self-important. Usually it creates a dependence upon them that is not healthy.

10. Do try to reach out to others. Remember, the universe does not evolve around you. In spite of your condition, you are here for a reason. There are lives only you can touch, no matter if you are considered quirky or not.

11. Remember there will be those that no matter what you do or even if you get better, who will refuse to see you in any other light than being mentally ill. Let that be ok to you. You don’t have to prove anything to people like that.

12. Remember also, assuming you are nice to those around you, there will be those who in spite of your quirkiness will be quite fond of you. Once again, let these people in your life.

13. If you are a Christian, read the Word. If not, then it wouldn’t hurt you anyway. But it is your choice.

14. Seek out those whom you trust to pray with. Be just as willing to pray for their needs as they are for yours. Remember, it is not all about you. The world does not evolve around any one person. Don’t make it so, for anyone who is trying to befriend you or help you.

15. Do not be so needy that others find themselves not wanting anything to do with you. Put your dependence upon God. If you aren’t a Christian, the same goes for you: Do not be so needy that others find themselves not wanting anything to do with you. Some harsh words for both Believer and unbeliever, still, it is true. There is nothing worse than a person who sucks the very life out of you. Christian or not, people can only give so much. Your mental well being is really your responsibility. No one else’s.

I apologize it has taken so long to get this article up. I have been doing number 5 for quite a while. Pursuing another hobby of making log cabins out of popsicle sticks. Thank you for your patience and God bless you.

If anyone else has any suggestions, feel free to make a comment, so others can benefit from your help. Thank you.

Part 2: Christians and the Mentally ill in the Days to Come — how to help

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This is a list based on experience from both sides of the issue of Schizophrenia and Schizoaffective Disorder on things to do and not do when trying to help or befriend those who have been diagnosed as such. Hopefully, you will find it helpful. Take what may be useful and feel free to discard what may not be. If you have things to add, please leave a comment, as I don’t claim to have the monopoly of truth on this.

These are also things that can be helpful in any relationship where there are other mental afflictions.

Things not to do:

1. Don’t be quick to assume it is always the devil. There isn’t anything worse than having Church people looking at you as if all you need is a touch from them or their pastor.

2. Don’t be quick to think you can just lay hands on someone and “cast the demons out.” Not that it can’t be done in some cases, but you better make sure God has called you and not of yourself. Remember, just because someone is diagnosed or labeled something, does not mean they are going to allow everyone who comes along to lay hands on them. It does not mean they are possessed if they don’t want you to. Just because someone may be a little quirky, does not mean they themselves have no discernment on the type of person you may be.

3. If you aren’t willing to be a friend, then don’t bother at all. One thing a lot of schizophrenics are able to perceive, is who is sincere or not.

4. Do not and I mean never, put your friend in some kind of category all by themselves. Just because they may be a little different  does not mean they aren’t any better than any other friends you have. I know of one woman who loved putting one of her friends in the category of “my F—ed up friend.” If I have to tell you what is wrong with that, then you have no business trying to be a friend to anyone.

5. Try not to become confused or angry if the person becomes paranoid. Remember, they may not be able to even express what is going on in them. But if you give them time, and if they trust you, more than likely they will.

6. Don’t see yourself as some kind of savior. People need to see God as their help, learning to hear His voice. Not yours.

7. Do not allow yourself to be used in such a way that you become a doormat. Example: Everything is about them all the time, while they care nothing about your needs. I’ve been on both sides of this and it is not good. A person will dump and dump and dump on you, not listening to anything you have to say, leaving you feeling like a cow bird just flew over and dumped a big poopie on you! No one is obligated to put up with that kind of selfishness. It enables people instead of helping them learn the world does not revolve around them.

8. Do not talk down to them. Some people find this sickening and will run from you. On the other hand, you may have those who want to be talked down to because they like to be babied. In which case, don’t do it, because it enables people and you have just set yourself on a pedestal. See number 6 above.

9.  Do not put unreasonable expectations upon them. Just because you like something, does not mean someone else does or even obligated to.

10.  If a person is on prescription medicine for their malady, do not take it upon yourself to tell the person to show their faith by coming off of them. I do not care if you are a pastor, preacher, or in a deliverance ministry. That is not your call. Many times, a person may have been on meds for years. To suddenly come off may be dangerous, both physically and mentally. For you to say you have faith is beside the point. It is not something you are going to have to live with.

Things to do:

1.  Love them. If this can not be your top priority, then do yourself and the other person a favor, by moving on.

2. Be willing to hang in there with them for the long haul. Course if someone’s behavior is so obviously nuts that you have found them a danger to yourself or others, I do not believe for one second you are obligated in any way. But that’s your choice.

3.  Pray for them in such a way to always see and know the truth.

4.  If they let you, put your arm around them. Sometimes, people just need an arm around them with no spoken words. One would be surprised at how that alone can have healing effects. But don’t force it. Your touch may not feel quite right and let that be ok. Don’t take it personal.

5.  Listen to them. If they need to get something off their chest, let them. Even if it makes no sense for the time.

6.  Speak the truth always.

7.  Find something fun to do together.

8.  Find something to laugh at together.

9.  Ask if you can read Scripture together. If they don’t want to, don’t force it. You can still read scripture on your own.

10. Do not be afraid to interject your own thoughts in a discussion. It’s more than ok. Sometimes the person who has certain issues tend to hog a conversation. It’s ok to say, “Ok, I have listened to you now for 20 minutes. My turn now.” In fact, do it. It makes the other person responsible for listening just like anybody else. If you don’t do this, it will be a one way street of communication and you will find yourself resenting the person. The point is normalcy.

11. Know the difference between an excuse and a reason. Do not be quick to judge either one, as you are not in their shoes. If you have found yourself in a place where you must judge, then let your judgment be one of love, truth, fairness and righteousness. Anything short of that will lead to condemnation, more chains, more yokes.

12. Ask if you can pray with them. If they don’t want to, don’t force it. You can still pray on your own.

13. Ask them if they truly want the truth. Many people say they do, but in reality they don’t. If they don’t, then you have to look at the fact that they may be playing you. Know also, just because they may not be willing to cling to your truth, does not mean they aren’t interested in the truth. You will have to know the difference.

14. Require honesty. I can’t stress how important this is. If you find someone is just playing games, then either hold them accountable or move on. Find another outlet for your empathy and understanding until they are ready to be real with you.

15. If your friend is wanting to try and come off any medicine, tell them to seek the doctor first. Are there times when a person may be called off of them with out the ok of a doctor? Absolutely. But again, that is not your call. If they do come off, make yourself available at anytime. This may mean phone calls in the middle of the night. If behavior warrants being on medication, then speak up.

16. Realize there are doctors out there who prescribe drugs in such a way to keep people in bondage to them. I say this because I know of people (not schizophrenics, but others) who are on so many prescription drugs, they literally are like little zombies. Why some body needs high dosages of Klonopin (an anti-seizure med) night after night to help them sleep, while taking Xanax through the day, is beyond me. But what do I know?

17. Realize as much as you try, there still may be those for whatever reasons, who want to keep their issues alive and going full throttle. They thrive off drama and have been deceived in loving their darkness. Some people just do not want to be functional and or whole. Unless you like being part of that, you will more than likely move on. You may have to learn to be ok with that.

18. Do realize that it you treat the person as if they are beneath you by talking down to them, instead of treating them as an equal, they will probably end up resenting you. Wouldn’t you, if someone did that to you?

19. Do know that if you mock your friend, they will likely have little to do with you and never trust you.

20. Also remember there may be those who will require medication for whatever reasons. As much as you would like to see them do without, you will have to trust God and accept it as it is and pray what your role is, if any, and how it is to play out.

Part 3 will deal with the Schizophrenic’s responsibility.

Part 1: Christians and the Mentally ill in the days to come


After the death of our dear friend, I have been thinking quite a bit about his situation and I would like to address the subject “mental illness.” Ben had concerns for the days to come if he would not be allowed to get his medicine. It is with that in mind, why I write on the subject.

Let me first start off by saying, it is hypocritical for some within the Church to have this kind of attitude toward those who may appear mentally unsound: “Just claim your healing.” Really? They are the same people who if they have a toothache will go to the dentist, if they need glasses they make sure they get them, if they need blood pressure meds they will use them. If they need insulin they will use it. If their child has a sore throat they take them to the doctor. See the hypocrisy? If that is you, then read no further because you will find the following not spiritual enough to suit your tastes. And any comments you may want to leave, will not be welcomed.

It is my heart’s desire to see people free. I speak to the Christian and anyone else who is interested, who find themselves diagnosed with maladies. The particular malady I want to look at is schizophrenia. Along with Schizoaffective disorder. Because I believe these two disorders, if they can be helped in any specific way, then other disorders can too.

I can’t be quick in judging what causes this diagnosis in every case. And neither can you. Some will say it is a chemical imbalance. Could be true. For some odd reason the schizophrenic does appear to have an extra amount of copper in their body. How or why? I don’t know. The implications of that, not sure. Others are always quick to say, “it is demonic.” I think it could be misleading to assume either way, as I believe both can be true. Each case is different.

I worked with a young Christian woman years ago when I was a house parent in a children’s home. She was one of the sweetest and kindest people I ever met. For some reason she suddenly withdrew and locked herself in the bathroom. She was silent. Not knowing what she was doing on the other side, I sat on the floor and talked to her, hoping she was not trying to take her life, while help was on the way. Her mother came and eventually my friend unlocked the door or either the maintenance men did, I don’t remember.

Many things can trigger types of psychosis of this kind: Isolation, too much stimulation, a certain amount of anxiety/fear that begins to get out of control, etc. But the common factors in my personal experience are — not knowing the truth, not facing the truth, and not dealing with the truth. In the above friend’s case it was the Jim Jones mass murder/suicide cult that triggered it. She had to end up quitting her job, while trying to get her mind restored. Wanting to help her, and meaning well, I had done research through books and came to my own conclusion what she needed was certain vitamins. I asked if she would be willing to try them and she said yes.

But, we ended up going our separate ways because her illness would not/could not allow her to have friends. It caused her to withdraw. All my gentleness and encouragement meant very little. The oppression was too great and to even mention God would have been enough to cause her to withdraw more because of the way the Jim Jones thing affected her.

As of today, I have known at least eight people who have been diagnosed with Schizophrenia or Schizoaffective disorder in my lifetime. None of them violent or dangerous, so I speak with that in mind.

If you are familiar with my testimony, you already know what the Lord delivered me from at the age of 19. Many years have gone by since then, still, I have had to deal with on occasion that dark cloud of mental confusion every now and then. It’s a terrible place to be. In my case, I never once wanted to harm another human being. Instead there was a great self-loathing,  The illness/oppression crippled me at times. It caused me to be paranoid. Sometimes the paranoia was warranted, other times it was not. Being able to discern between the two was/has been the hardest part. One area I had to come to terms with, was knowing I could not read minds. This was a hard place to arrive. Because as long as I could read minds, I could protect myself from others. Yet, my reading minds was nothing more than a type of witchcraft that I was trusting in and needed much deliverance. I could not read minds. A person may be able to discern what is going on in another, but to actually read another mind, no. Any discernment I may have had at the time, was used against me to keep me sheltered, safe, from those who I thought meant me harm. When in truth, it was stopping me from being blessed and being a blessing.

Part of that great deliverance is no longer caring what others think. Not in a rebellious sort of way, but in a way where you no longer have made people, the thing, you look to for help. Your heart has de-throned the lust for the acceptance of others. You come to a point where all that matters is knowing: He made us accepted in the Beloved. — Ephesians 1:6  — Something that I think most of us who have suffered with this affliction, has been fear of rejection, for whatever cause.  

Some years ago, I was talking to a woman who told me her husband was a schizophrenic and she was telling me a little about their situation. Both of them Christians. I started off simply saying God could help. I was stopped in my tracks when her immediate reply was: “We don’t want to lose the government check.”  I was shocked. Dumbfounded. I was baffled how anyone, especially someone who confessed Jesus, would prefer a government check for a disability over possible freedom. Yet, this is becoming more and more common. I was not claiming an instant cure-all, as if by some type of waving a wand he would be healed, but just giving her the possibility that he could have his mind restored. Please, remember, I was not judging. I was looking at it through the eyes of what God brought me through.

Our friend Ben, was pretty much isolated for many years. I often wonder what his life would have/could have been, had he lived near us and we saw him on a regular basis. Would my husband and I have made a difference? The same kind of difference that those precious ones God brought into my life when He spoke to my heart and told me to trust Him?

It’s been well over two decades since I was last medicated for the mental oppression I suffered. My day of deliverance began one day when I was having my devotional alone with the Lord. I heard Him — not actually heard Him, more of a type of knowing or discerning — tell me to come off the meds. “But, Lord,” I said, “if I do, I will lose my mind.” Three scriptures rose up out of me from like the deepest recesses of my heart: “You shall know the truth and the truth will set you free.” “But how, God? The doctor said I would be on this (medication) for the rest of my life.” “He whom the Son sets free, is free indeed.” “For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of love and power and of a sound mind.” Sound mind! Was it even possible? What did it look like? Would I have set backs? What if…what if? “You shall know the truth and the truth shall set you free.” 

I did come off the medicine and please know, I am not endorsing others to do the same. I simply stated what happened to me.

God began placing people in my life who I could trust. Most importantly, He was showing me I could trust Him. It’s been a long hard road at times, but God has seen me through. It is because of what He has done for me that I wish to reach out and hopefully be able to express to others that there is hope. That there is light in that darkness. That truth does set free.

Not that I am some great expert on the subject — I am not — but Christians have been ignorant for too long in this matter. It is time we rose to the occasion for the days to come. If you or someone you know suffers from mental oppression, it is my desire that we all come to the truth and ability to help in such a way that it really begins setting the captives free. That we learn how to be a real friend to those who see as quirky or different. Know this too, just because someone is labeled something, does not mean that they have nothing to offer you.

So please, fire up your discernment and get it going along with me as we go into Parts 2 and 3 to follow.

Remembering our Deliverances


This poor woman man cried out, and the Lord heard her, and saved her out of all her troubles. — Psalm 34:6 —

I hope no one is offended that I changed the words in above scripture from man to woman. I did so, to make a point as to what personally happened to me thirty eight years ago yesterday. I became a new creation. It was the day I became born-again. Truly born-again. Old things had passed away and all things became new.

The other day, someone left a comment trying to tell me how to do my testimony. Obviously, it was not done right in their eyes. To the best of my knowledge, this person has never visited this blog before and if they have, I have gotten no comments from them, other than the one they left critiquing my writing. Kind of rude on their part. It is like a neighbor who you never met, knocking on your door to tell you they don’t like the color of your house and that you should have painted it a certain color to fit their needs.

But, I won’t let myself become side tracked with such rudeness. Instead I will speak what is on my mind. Yes, my testimony is long. You should have seen it before it was edited. I began writing the events long ago while I was a houseparent in a children’s home. After getting my ten little children from the ages of 2 to 5 in bed at night, I would write in my room. I was in my 20’s at the time and my mind was still fresh from all the events. As I was writing, more than once, I asked myself “where did that woman go?” The woman I was writing about no longer existed. I could not but help be excited for what God had done for me!

There is not a day that goes by that I don’t think upon and remember that day of February 9 1976. And if I get a little carried away at times in describing what God brought me out of, it is not only because I rejoice for what He has done, but hopefully it is for the sake of other’s too. By exposing the darkness of what my life used to be: the insanity, the fear and torment, the complete utter sense of hopelessness, I desire to give others a sense of hope for their own life. IF one can look at my life and see the madness before I came to Jesus and any difference He has made today, then my long drawn out words are not in vain. Some people feel alone in some of the things they experience. I know I did. And still do on occasion. Some people would not dare to venture out and bare their soul to another human being for the fear of rejection. But if my being transparent about my past, can help one person feel they are not alone and that there is help, then God be glorified through what He was able to do through the likes of me.

Remember your deliverances and let no one fault you for it. God has made all things new to you.

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